What it's like living with Agoraphobia

I feel like I always talk about my anxiety and depression on here but it's my place to let it all out. I've been living with Agoraphobia for a few years now and I've decided to start writing about it, I never really knew what was wrong with me specifically until about three weeks ago.

If you don't know what Agoraphobia is the NHS describe it as ''A Fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn't be available if things go wrong'' Though I see it that way I also see it another one.

The fear is so vague that it can be applied to anything or any situation, my Agoraphobia dictates where I go, what I do and it needs to be in control of every tiny little detail and I can't be independent. It has sucked the fun right out of my life, I can't do anything.

What started out as Scared of public speaking, speaking to people I didn't know and generalized social disorder worrying about things I didn't even need to worry about all of the time about everything soon turned into relentless stress in my brain and body. My brain had decided the safest place to be would be my own home.

I was and still am terrified to leave my own home, someday I find it hard to walk past my front door without wanting to have a panic attack on the floor. There are days when I can't answer the door to the post lady or to someone my mum was coming over as my brain makes up these ridiculous scenarios which I know are ridiculous but I can't stop my brain thinking it and my body going in a full panic attack.

Everything I used to do was getting further away from me like someone was pulling it on a string and I couldn't go towards it, I stopped going to college, I stopped meeting up with my friends and going out to the shops alone. I couldn't do it.

I found myself only comfortable with certain people or certain places, I would only leave the house with my mum, a friend or a family member, NEVER alone. My house was my safest place, my mum's car and the shop down the road with my mum with me.
Wherever my mum went I went, unless it was to her workplace which I could not go to.
My mum had become my babysitter, my chauffeur and I was completely reliable on her, I can't function without her.

Some of my agoraphobia demands are

- I can't go in big crowds
- I must avoid any shops that on a high street
-I can't go in large open spaces
-I can't be in small spaces
-I must take my mum/brother/friend everywhere I go or I can't go
-I can't do anything spontaneous everything has to be planned out and I have to have the specific time and date
-I must plan every single detail
-I must not travel long distances alone
-I must not use public transport without earphones and stare out of the window
-I must not sit on the end of a row of seats
-I must not go above four floors on a building
-I must walk a certain way upstairs
-I can't leave my comfort zones for long periods of time
- I can't do something I've never done before
-Someone must be with me or going to meet me at all times
-Never answer the phone unless you know them


I know this all seems so silly to someone who doesn't understand this disorder but to me these make sense and it's how it controls me. I feel like I'm constantly living in a Simulated version of myself and someone is controlling me never letting me do anything, making me panic when sometimes I don't even need to. I hate being like this as it's starting to be strains on my relationships with not only my mum but with my friends. While they can go out whenever they want I find it hard to even leave my house.

Rant Over

-Leigh