By ScaryGal
2 years ago

Suicide....

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This article is all over the place and doesn't have a structure I'm sorry.


A lot of mixed feelings are going around about the show 13 reasons why. Some people are saying that it's glamorizing the thought of suicide and that it shows people only care when you're dead but in my opinion, it doesn't.

I had a friend who sadly took his life three years ago. Now, this friend was one of my best friends, I had known him for two years and in that time we had been through a lot together. He had helpt through a sad part in my life and I helped him also. Other a period of time I had fallen in love with him and one day I decided to tell him over one of our skype calls. He also had something to tell me so we deiced to say our thoughts at the same time. I told him I loved him and he told me he was Gay.
I supported him through it like a brother of mine and helped him with his home problems. He was in the foster system and his foster parents were terrible to him.
January 24th, 2014 was the morning I woke up to the worst message of my life. He had left a small message telling me how he felt and how he took his own life. For around a couple of days or so I was quiet, I hadn't told my family about it. I didn't speak to anyone about it, I didn't want to. The only person I had ever loved and trusted had left me and I had no idea what to do with my life. After a while, I ended up snapping and throwing a glass plate at my sibling and telling my mum what happened.

Anyway back to the actual matter of this article. I feel like the show and the book was good and put out the right message in my opinion. It showed that once you do end your life people seem to come forward and say they ''liked you'' when in actual reality they were the reason you drove yourself to your own death. People who had fucked over Hannah's life had pushed that away and only cared because she had told their secrets and was threatening to expose them. The show and book weren't glamorizing the thought or the actuality of suicide. They were showing what happens after a life is taken because it's not just a case of getting over it.
People come forward pretending to have loved and known that person for attention. The people that had done the bad things claim to have been their best friends and never knew they were in these states.

Life carries on even though it feels as though your whole world has been swept out from underneath you, like that magic trick with the tablecloth, except you're the wobbling item left behind to deal with the effects. People take things differently during the death of a friend or loved one. I was like a volcano, you knew it was going to erupt at some point but you just didn't know when. Jason (Declan's best friend) was the Earthquake. He took the hit and then stayed for all the aftershocks. This probably isn't making the most sense as I am crying while writing this.

When I finally snapped and cried my heart out to my mum she sent me to see someone. I was told to sit in a room and talk about my feelings while she wrote down notes about it. At this time I was very emotional, my feelings about things were sky high and I was missing my best friend. I missed speaking with him and I was blaming myself for not being there when he needed me. I explained this and she told me it was all normal.
I continued seeing her for about a month when I started getting nightmares. I say nightmares it was just one, the same one. It was always the same nightmare and I can remember clear as day. I told her about it and I was given pills.
After a while, I was starting to get a little worse and she kept writing notes. I started to go back into old habits of self-harming and not telling anyone. I closed myself off from everyone I knew. I built up a brick wall not wanting to get close to anyone because I figured if no one could get closer to me I couldn't hurt them and they couldn't hurt me.
The suicide of a loved one is hard, and sometimes you can blame yourself well what if I had said this? What if? You should never ask the What if's because they're the questions that are going to slowly eat away at you.

Declan lived in America. I couldn't attend his funeral and I wasn't allowed to speak to his foster parents about it. I spoke to Jason for about three weeks about how we were feeling and it stopped. He would look at my messages and then stop replying, he just went on to blank me. I don't blame him for this because I'm someone that reminded him of Delcan. About a year later he messaged me a photo of a baby. This was his son. He had named him Declan after our friend. That was the last I had ever heard of Jason.

While going through the loss of my friend I was told ''He wasn't your real friend'' and ''You shouldn't feel sad, he lived in America you barely knew him''. I was in college at the time when I broke down. I was on the bus into college a couple days after finding out about him and I snapped on the bus. I started crying and I ran into college and into the girls' bathroom trying to calm myself down and steady my breathing. My college classmate walked in and she held me as I cried into her arms. We'd never really spoken until that moment when she held me on the bathroom floor. She told people to piss off if they came into the room and she let me talk. She was the most supportive person during this time in my life and she still is three years later to this day.
She took me down to our class where we told my tutor together. We went into her office and I told her, doing my best not to break down and cry again, I told her everything. She hugged me and took me back into the classroom. In this classroom, there was our Class of 15 students, the level 2 class of 25 students and level 3 cast of 8 students. She stood me in front of the class and said, and I can quote this.
''Leigh here had a friend from America, they were close ''friends'' and he took his own life. I think we all need to take a lesson from this and never make friends over the internet as it's a silly thing to do. Also, that suicide is pathetic and cowardly.''
I remember grabbing my bag and running out of the classroom crying. I remember running up four flights of stairs and sitting in the photography dark room where another tutor found me and took me into his office.
We spoke about Declan and I told him about what my tutor had said. He made me a tea and got me some food telling me''Your friend would want you to stay strong'' He went off to make some phone calls while I sat looking at the cup he had given me. It was a white cup with a red trim and a reindeer on the front. At the time I didn't really take notice of why it meant so much about that cup but a few months later it did. I started a Christmas Instagram account because myself and Declan were Christmas freaks. We loved it.
The photography tutor came back with my college class work, (which was a giant sketchbook, camera, pencils, paint and more art supplies) We sat in his office for the whole day talking about Declan and for once instead of crying about him I was honoring his memory.
I was sent home that afternoon with an assignment. I was told to create an end of year piece for hour presentation due in 6 weeks. The photography tutor had told me he had spoken to my tutor and gotten me the time off college so I could work from home. He gave me all of the equipment I needed and developed my photography photos of the end of year show. He sent me home and that was the last I had seen of him.

For the end of year show, I wanted to do something that I could keep forever, a memory of my time at college and also my time of Declan. I spent weeks preparing for it and I went out to get my own equipment. I got a giant canvas and some paint and set to work as soon as I got home. Myself and Declan bonded over our love for music and Michael Clifford so I did a collage of all of Michael's guitars.

When it was finally time for me to go back to college and see the dragon of a tutor I set up my end of year station in a small room. I was there with the girl I had cried on. We both had our own four walls and tables to put our things onto. I had finished prepping when the tutor walked in. She looked at the guitars and told me I wasn't allowed to use them as they weren't an original piece. I didn't want to fight it so I took them down and replaced them with the portrait I had done of Declan instead. She let me keep it up and we went on with the show. As well as the Declan portrait and other photos I had taken up on my walls and tables I had small drawings I had doodled scattered around as it was our workstation and we were showing what talent we had. I had a painting of a red umbrella under a night sky in a garden and it was raining. I had it next to my table and one of the people visiting asked about it. The dragon tutor overheard and rushed over to me as I was about to explain. ''It's about her friend who had taken his own life'' She then mumbled pathetic under her breath and walked away. I stood there for what felt like hours with people looking at me. I put down the painting and brushed down the black dress I was wearing. I excused myself before walking out and crying in the stairwell. I remember looking out of the glass window and seeing all of the people walking around. "It's hard." Is what I remember someone saying to me. "You'll get through it, you barely knew him" I ended up. I remember people telling me they knew what it was like when they didn't have the faintest idea.
The woman that asked about the painting found me. She was in a womans suit, gray blazer and a gray pencil skirt, she sat on the stairs while I sat near the window. ''I'm not going to tell you I know what you're going through because I don't.'' We sat for about ten minutes when she went so say something again. The door opened and in walked the dragon tutor who clapped her hands together and told me to go back to my station. I stood, brushed down my black dress and rolled the lace sleeves down and adjusted the red belt before going back to the classroom.

The painting of the dark night sold and I went home. Everything is still clear in my head like it happened just yesterday.

Small rant/article over. Sorry if you read this. I just needed to get it all down.
2 years
ze2000 I read the whole thing... what can I say? I suppose what you get from this is that you will go through difficult times in life, and when those come you will find people that won't care and others that will be very helpful.
It's a complicated world, a fucked up society.
But get the positive: there are people out there worth knowing, worth friending. It takes time to build your inner circle. It takes a whole life actually.

Thanks for sharing.
2 years
2 years
Borderline so sorry to hear about your friend! I am agree with Ze2000
2 years
2 years
ScaryGal It's okay, thank you for taking the time to read it :) I appreciate your lovely comments
2 years
2 years
JasonJRogers I got tearful just reading through it...and for you to have experienced this was just awful. I was shocked and appalled by the way that tutor behaved, you were going though a really hard time as it was and didn't need to feel any lower... my heart goes out to you and your friend!
I loved the idea of how you honoured his memory...at least you can look back and say "this is what I did for him" stay strong.
2 years
2 years
ScaryGal Thank you Jason that means a lot to me. Not many people saw it the same way with my tutor, I went to higher people to try and get an apology and do this day I never got one. I still see her from time to time as well but I just ignore her.
2 years