3 years ago

Remembering My Paps

June 19, 2011, 4:37 am. bedroom at Pacific Tourist Inn, Cebu City.

I lost you when I was 5 year old, I never experienced sleeping in your lap and listening to your song. I grew up without you and I wrangled life all by myself. I wasn't able to experienced your kisses and hugs. All I could remember is your big and long belt which left traces in my delicate young skin everytime I stumbled and committed mistakes. You saw me crying for the pain I received, begging you to stop flagellating me with your belt. you saw me hiding while sobbing inside our large family wardrobe. I could even vividly remember how you fought with mama, and how you forced mama out of our thatched house and how we cried to beg you to let mama stay. These but all I could remember. These might be nasty but I know you have reasons why you did all these to me.

Sometimes I could not help myself but envy people with their father beside them. I saw and I see their fathers fighting for them when they met troubles in school. I saw and see fathers walking, playing and laughing with their kids at park. I saw and see fathers escorting their sons and daughters receiving medals and diplomas in school. Their proud father is always with them in all of their endeavors.

Though I have bitterness, I still continue to fight and struggle for my future. I studied fervently and worked hard to achieve my dreams and ambitions. I never let my bitterness impede my plans, because I know God is and will always be with me through the years of my life.

Sometimes I question why are there children walking in the ashes of deceitfulness when their fathers are with them all the time. Why are there children involved in heinous crime, locked up in a cell and found their place out there? Is their father defective in giving them pieces of advice or are they categorically nonconformist? They have their father but they went out of the righteousness. I don't have my father but I am in a right track - modesty aside.

Papa, I keep singing these lines "When I and my mother would disagree To get my way I would run from her to him He'd make me laugh just to comfort me(yeah, yeah) Then finally make me do just what my momma said"

Later that night, when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet Never dreamed that he would be gone from me"pretending that I had you as a supper loving papa. Nothing I could do, but to sing and pretend.

Now and again, I ask myself also, why I sometime get attracted to men. Is it because I long to see a father's love or is it because I am born this way? (laughs.. lady gaga).. What if you were still here? Am I still be in this situation? What if you were still here, Am I be in this dilemma? What if? what if?

Papa, I know you are already at the side of the Almighty. I know that you are already happy up there watching over me and to our family. I know you are already with mama enjoying the fruits of your hard work.

Papa, if you just here with me, I know you must be proud of me. I know you can brag me to your "Kainuman ug tuba" in our baranggay. You might be saying, this is my youngest good looking son who work in a University. This is my good looking son who will continue my race (laughs...) OR: This is my pretty son who loves a man and never neglected his family. This is my pretty son who is now happy with his langga.

Papa, though I am effeminate, but I did not dishonor our family. i did not make anything that would put our family in shame. In fact I am doing my best to bring grace to our race.

Papa, I am so thankful for the life you gave. I am so blessed that I was chosen by the good Lord to be your best son. I would not be here in my place if not because of YOU...

Papa happy father's day...

You are so loved,

Dodong Roy... 5:45 am...